sexiest woman maxim

I have never liked Kanye West. EVER! I have to admit that Kanye is good at what he does. It cannot be easy to find a way to convince throngs of white kids who don't know better fans, that bastardizing sampling already good music and throwing a beat and some bullshit lyrics on it equals talent/innovation/that you are not just P.Diddy in disguise, but this I will not stand for.

“We push each other,” says West. “I look at me and Justin [Timberlake] like Prince and Michael Jackson in their day.”



In a recent interview in XXL Magazine, Kanye proves yet again, why he is the biggest ass in the game.

“I feel like my lyrics are, if not THE, then equal to, the realest lyrics out,” he says. “I connected with so many people without talkin’ about guns and drugs. … It’s harder to go to work 365 days than shoot a person in one day.”

Got family in the D, Kin-folk from Motown
Back in the Chi - them folks ain't from Motown
Life movin' too fast I need to slow down
Girl ain't give me ass, ya need to go down

Well, I guess he ain't talking about killing nobody.



I actually hope that Kanye does sell more records than 50 Cent. I wouldn't mind never having to hear another word from that ass ugly, lisping, jack ass. Then once he's done that, I hope that Kanye says something else stupid, finally putting his foot in his mouth enough times to break his jaw. Again. But this time hopefully never to be heard from again.

Don't ever compare yourself to the Purple One, Kanye, or may God send a powerful, sexy, purple rain to smite you and your family. I hate you.

Jesus FUCKING Christ! What the hell happened to D'Angelo?



Remember when he looked like the kind of guy you would let put his penis anywhere near you?



Usher, beware! This is what happens when you go too long without a hit record.

OH HAI!!! What's been going on in the interwebs these days? I've been so busy! Are those I Can Has Cheezburger things still bringing the LOL's? I sure do hope so! Look what else I found!



HA! It's funny because it goes "dun...dun...DUNNNN!" and then the...ha...the chip...he turns...around! HA! Truly epic LULZ! Send that one around to your friends with the headline "OMG I JUST FOUND THIS!" I think they'll appreciate it.

Anyhoo - I'm sure you've been dying to hear what I have to say about teh gossips. Well, taint much going on m'friends. There's this new "couple":



So if you weren't sure if you should believe what I said about him being a giant, raging douchebag - I'm pretty sure that the case is beyond reasonable doubt at this point. Yes, these two wastes of life should be pretty happy together. Because their happiness is measured by such things as: making fun of poor people, looking at themselves in the mirror, making fun of minorities, and sticking their privates in any hole/on any pole. Good luck you two, you won't need it.

And in further depressing/horrific/I don't think I can do this anymore news, look at this:



Someone please, save that child. She's paralyzed by fear and pretty soon Paris is going to confuse her for walking/talking penis and try to wrap her vagina around her. That is tragic and sick. Help that mini-fire crotch!

And finally...did you hear that Amy Winehouse is going to rehab?



There she goes, guys! She's THONG her way to rehab! HA! No wait...I got a better one. They tried to make her go to rehab and she said OKAY, SOUNDS GOOD TO ME! Oh man! That's almost as good as the dramatic chipmunk above. And with that (OR with this if you've been missing our NSFW action. Unfortunately, it's not a wang, or probably anything you'd want to see), I'm out. Till next time!

Even though the crazy bitch is deaf (although i'm wondering if she just moved her hair away from her ears if that would help), Foxy Brown really likes all the features she gets from her Blackberry phone, especially the one labeled "WEAPON". The crazy Roc-a-Fella diva was recently reported to have struck someone repeatedly using her Blackberry phone. Now when you call Foxy Brown and get her voicemail this is what you hear:

"What up bitches and playas, its Foxy Brown. I can't be answering my phone at this time as it is currently being used to beat the living shit out of yet another person, maybe even your shawty. YEAH THATS RIGHT THATS HOW WE DO! If you're lookin' for L'il Kim then you have me mistaken for the wrong slut, but you can still lick my clit. HOLLA!"

Where did it all go wrong for Mel? I think a time line might help.

October, 2006 - Melanie Brown and Eddie Murphy, (who is rumored to be a raging queen) are confirmed as dating and having a baby.


"We're in love and get on really well. All the children have met and get on too - it's like a great big happy family. I can't wait to spend Christmas with him and I can't wait to have this baby." -Mel B.

December, 2006 - Eddie tells Scary and unborn baby to kick rocks.


"I don't know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test." -Eddie Murphy

February, 2007 - Melanie begins dating long time friend and music producer, Stephen Belafonte.



April, 2007 - After several months of looking busted, bastard child born and unfortunately named Angel Iris Murphy Brown.

June, 2007 - Court-ordered paternity test confirms Eddie Murphy as being the father of lil' Angel Brown.

June, 2007 - Melanie Brown and Stephen Belafonte quietly wed in Las Vegas.

June, 2007 to present - Mel B. suffers countless ass beatings from her new hubby.

* Girl, don't you know not to raise your voice or your hand to nigga you KNOW will hit your ass?*

Mel B's new husband Stephen Belafonte battered an ex-lover during a drink-fuelled frenzy that court papers described as "malicious and unlawful". -Mirror.co.uk

The 'roids this guy has coursing through his veins must have shrunk his brain along with his balls, as he claims the aforementioned beating "Happened crazily, one drunk, retarded night." because he was "confused and stressed."

First, Mel hooks up with Eddie Murphy and after a couple months wants to be with him forever but Eddie ain't feelin it, and pulls some cloak and dagger, now you see me now you don't shit. (you know gays don't like commitment) Now, Scary has gotten herself into a whole new mess of problems by marrying this fool. Saying that she has daddy issues is pretty much the equivalent of pulling the race card, but I think that it certainly applies here.

I don't think your girl power is gonna get you out of this one, but good luck Mel!

Someone needs to tell little Queen Shiloh to lay off the sauce. I know living with three adopted/less important children is hard to cope with, but don't drink your pain away little one. You will rule us all someday! Meanwhile, Zahara takes this opportunity to claim her rightful place in the spotlight:



That's right, girl! Ham it up while that white baby is drunk! You have claimed the right to be called "second most important next to Shiloh" - a title that Maddox once held. And that boy is none to pleased with his placement at the bottom of the Jolie-Pitt ranks:



Back of the line, Maddox! Someone better give that boy some attention and quick. He's got a rage about him that I am not to eager to see in full effect. And then there's that other asian baby...Hmmmm - nothing really interesting to say about him. He's boring and should be traded for an Indian or a Samoan.

More pics of the Royal Family here (they're in Chicago, bitches!).

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal is boning. There have been rumors of the two ducking and diving out of motels and having secret lunches and shit.



She made me laugh in Freeway, he made me bone up in Brokeback Mountain . I truly hope that they are having some bomb ass sex. From the looks of their matching shit- eating grins, it looks like they are.

*here's to you Withergyllen*

Are we surprised to see Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston on the town after the divorce? Nope. As we all know, a family that breaks rocks together, stays together. Are we shocked to see them both looking red eyed and shiny? Hell to the NO! You know they was just hittin' the pipe a hot second ago. The only thing new, and in my opinion, funny about this is the fact that they dine at Joe's Crab Shack.

I guess when you spend 730,000 on drugs (Allegedly. We ain't found them receipts yet) sometimes the Shrimp Shack is the best you can do. Look for Whitney and Bobby at an IHOP near you!

Okay, I know that she was outed as a pothead from her myspace page or something like that, but someone needs to take the joints away from Rumer Willis. For one, she is making pot smokers look bad. People already think smoking pot will make you run over little girls on bikes or shoot your best friend with your dad's loaded shotgun. So pot dealers, cut her off. Either that or daddy needs to get Die Hard on her ass and ask her wtf she was thinking when she decided to do this:



Other than the blantantly obvious answer - she smoked crack thinking it was pot - my only other guess would be that this is an homage to her parents. Her mom, Demi is represented by her looking like a slut and showing off her side boob once she lifts her arms. Her father, Bruce or Ashton for that matter, because really what is the difference, is represented clearly by the dunce cap.

What are you thoughts/guesses? Let us know in the comments!

Tay Zonday was on Jimmy Kimmel Live. He speaks! Do you think Tay would play at my birthday party next year? I can think of no better way to ring in the anniversary of my birth than by Chocolate Rain on repeat for countless hours. I would also like him to read me bedtime stories...into my vagina. I think I'm in love with this man.

When Terrence Howard isn't being fangled in the fun hole, he's going to great lengths preserving the cleanliness of it. When wiping your ass, according to TH, you can't just use paper on that (literal) shit. You best have some baby wipes in your bathroom if you want Terrence Howard to not have sex with you. He elaborates an interview with Elle:

On his relationship philosophy:

"If a relationship is built on sexuality, it won't last long. Now I'm completely chaste through a relationship unless I get married. I don't believe in premarital sex. It enabled me to date three or four women at the same time, because as long as I wasn't having sex with them, I could always just walk away. There were some [past girlfriends] who pushed for sex, and sometimes they won. Afterward, I would feel unclean, like I'd compromised my own values. So I would have to let them go because they didn't help me to be a stronger person."

On his deal-breaker:

"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

Since there is no sex, I assume that Terrence gets off by having his lady friends gently lay him down, lift up his legs, and peer into his hole of fun before they wipe it clean with a moist towelette. Then he demands to be wrapped in swaddling cloths and cooed to sleep. And wouldn't you know it? That just so happens to be my specialty. Don't judge Terrence. It's hard out here for a man-baby. Come to mama, Terrence. I've got a whole carton of baby wipes with your name on it.


Source

click for NSFW version

Welcome to the second installment of Wang Wednesday! My dog Betty Bacon isn't so sure how she feels about this vintage Antonio Banderas wang. She likes his curly hair, and his young, come hither look. But she does not like how he's just standing there with his wang out for all to see. She's trying to warn you not too look. The choice, however, is ultimately up to you. She is also taking Antonio by the hand in an effort to communicate the only way a dog knows how. She's telling him, "Please, Antonio, don't hurt 'em". But Antonio does not listen.

Are those catty, superficial lesbians getting to you, girl? Listen, Janeane Garofalo, don't go all anorexic on us just to keep the lipstick lesbian crowd. You'll always have the butch ones that will continue to think you're gay no matter what you tell them! And their standards are really, really low. So low, in fact, that you can walk into a truck stop wearing nothing but a potato sack and just point to your vagina until one of them crawls out from behind the claw machine and takes you into the cab of her semi to have her way with you...so I've heard...

Anyhoo - you should really eat something. I know that Air America thing didn't really work out, but that's no reason to starve yourself! Just four short years ago, you looked like this:



What a difference four years makes. That look, at least the hair, wasn't really that great - but at least you were eating AND keeping the lesbians in check. Pull yourself together, girl! You have a sweet movie coming out! All is not lost!

Perhaps starting this blog was not the best idea for me. I used to love all of this celebrity bullshit. "What?! What's that you say? Britney Spears skewered her sons, doused them in barbecue sauce, grilled them on her George Foreman lean mean grilling machine and served them to her house guests, who were comprised of slightly deformed lesbian midgets???? Fucking SWEET!" was generally my reaction to the crazy antics of the rich & famous. Now, I'm finding myself increasingly disgusted, but mostly just bored. Like when The Sun breaks the exclusive about some douchebag getting freaky in a pool with Britney:

Britney’s assistant hand-picked Mike and a group of male pals to go to her hotel for drinks by the pool.
Mike explained: “Britney was drinking Mojitos and she’d been drinking some Jack Daniel’s
“Suddenly she shocked everyone by just stripping out of her top.
“She went into the pool topless - her boobs were exposed and she had a drink in her hand and a hat on with sunglasses.”

How can anyone...ANYONE...be shocked by anything this ho does anymore? Now, if she took her top off and in place of her boobs there were 1,000 tiny machine guns that shot bubbles...maybe, just maybe I would be shocked by that. But honestly, at this point, I'd probably just shrug and move on. Basically, this post is an excuse to post this video, which is much more entertaining that anything Ms. Spears has ever done or will do:

Some time ago, I asked celebrities to stop going to Disney World. I'd like to amend that statment to: Everyone but Will Ferrel, stop going to Disney World. There is something oddly charming about old man Ferrel sitting in a teacup with the dainty Mad Hatter that I'd just like to see more of. Keep up the good work, Will. I'm sorry I tried to restrict your greatness.

According to In Touch, the new life trying to eat its way out of Nicole Richie's body, is a BOY!


* Joel was just about to finish the oft used fist pump, when Nicole stopped him with, "No, no. We aren't that excited. Put it down. "*

Joel Madden is understandably happy, sources say. He'll have someone to play catch with or teach whatever crap instrument he plays in his crap band. Nicole however, is mildly impressed and greatly disappointed. Who will she pass on her remarkable fashion sense and anorexia, or I guess bulimia now cause she supposedly eats every hour. Well here's hoping that the lil Richie Madden will inherite his father's good looks and his mother's disdain for food...and things that aren't drugs.

Just one week after the alleged pregnancy scare, Usher and fiancé (as in a MAN engaged to be married. I bet that one went right over your head didn't it? I may be a darky but I gots my GED!) Tameka Foster finally wed on Friday.



In a closed casket private ceremony, Tameka put the final nail in Usher's coffin. It's one thing to fuck an ugly chick, but to marry her and have a kid with her just ain't right. I had my suspicions about the SIKE! these two fools pulled last week, but this shit confuses me. What could possibly make a bone inducing, stud like Usher marry a horse faced, icy bitch like Tameka Foster? Blood money? A mean case of dick herp that Usher is too scared to pass on? Usher is gay? Any suggestions? Leave em in the comments.

Flight of the Concords is still awesome. Just so you know.

I know that it is all the rage to be a whore nowadays, Nicole Richie is getting a lot of press for being a pregnant (and unwed) whore, Lindsey's a drunken whore, Britney's a crazy whore...Paris. But you really got to ease up a little bit.




Please give your coin purse some room to breathe or you're going to end up having to use Rihannas Yeast Infection Cream for the rest of your natural life.

I'm sure our fair Jigga had no idea how poignant the title of his recent post about R. Kelly and the release of the new chapters of Trapped in the Closet would be. How could he have known that in the preview for the new chapter, R. Kelly would utter the words "Oh Shit" or "Aw Shit" a countless number of times. I'm beyond excited for the release of new chapters now. This preview promises: more of Rosie the nosy neighbor, the midget will be wearing a leather vest with no shirt on underneath, someone is getting chased by helicopters, R. Kelly gets multiple guns pointed at his face, and there will be a gospel choir. In other words, this will rule.

Gap decided to get all le art on our asses by hiring famed photographer Annie Leibovitz to shoot their latest campaign. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this series, as it has given me insight into some of the darkest corners of the celebrity psyche that I was comfortable not knowing about. Things such as:

What Ken Wantanabe looks like when he wants me to come and get it:



What Forest Whitaker looks like when he's trying to sneak one by:



Who the shit is Twyla Tharp and why is she trying to show me her old lady vagina? Is this supposed to make me want to buy khakis?



And finally, I've learned that Sarah Silverman is generally unimpressed with her ability to do a pelvic thrust.



See more celebrities trying to trick you into thinking that the Gap is cool here.

Apparently Tyra Banks has turned in her modeling shoes to become a kite. Tyra is so versatile!

Good luck with that - watch out for the trees!

Years from now, us bloggers on TGG will look back on today and wonder, why didn't we post more? Well, when that time comes, we will apologize for our lack of posts. We might spend all day saying to ourselves, shoulda-coulda-woulda, but until then, lets focus on someone who probably says this everyday of her life...



this represents 'SHOULDA', as in, Britney shoulda stuck to being a semi-whore who only whored around with one guy - Justin Timberlake and for the most part always had on her underwear and a full head of hair.



this represents 'COULDA', as in, although this is probably a fake photo Britney had the world before her and she definitely could have avoided all this if she put her college education to use. Oh, I guess you would need one first, before you could put it to use. And thats any education for that matter.



lastly, this represents 'WOULDA', as in, it woulda been nice if someone told Britney that having sex can equal babies, and having sex with Kevin Federline almost guarantees it. Oh yah, and babies are hard work and they are, contrary to Britney's prior belief, not fake. When you hold them down their eyes do not automatically shut like baby dolls do. This was a tough one for her to grasp.

Anyway, I will leave you with promises of wonderful posts to come on days when we might not have work we get paid to do.

such as one simponizing themselves...


until next time readers - drive fast and take chances!

Aren't eating disorders solely for young girls trying to cope with their ever changing bodies and daddy issues? Aren't these bitches too old to be doing this shit?







I bet they'd eat more if they knew that having no meat on your bones makes you look older.

Choices is hard. Now, I ain't nobody's daddy, but I bet that having to deal with kids is not easy. Should you feed them carrots or Cheetos? Milk or Jack and diet soda? Do you have to change their diapers every time they make a stinky? Babies like tacos right? Bleaching a 22 month olds teeth ain't dangerous is it? I know I sure as shit wouldn't know what to do, and I bet you wouldn't either.

I do know however, that if my parenting skills were constantly being questioned (as they should be) I would ask somebody who knows. Or, I would hire a fucking nanny! C'mon now Britney! If you hire someone responsible to take care of your kids you won't have to spend any time with them at all. You can spend all of your time nursing the tiny shred of fame you have left.

Yeah! That's right! Who wants to see some 56 year old wang??? You know that you do. Go ahead, click on the image! Feast your eyes on Stuntman Mike's shifter! On Dr. Curtis McCabe's tongue depressor! On Snake Plissken's snake!!! It's Wang Wednesday!!! (Shall we make Wang Wednesday the official new regular feature on the blog? Let us know in the comments!)

Get ready bitches! Trapped In The Closet: Chapters 13-22 will be out on DVD 8/21. Here's a quick recap for all of you who don't know.

Contrary to what I believe, Nicole Richie has told Diane Sawyer that she really is pregnant. Notice how I say "I believe" - present tense. I still believe that she is not pregnant. How can a malnourished, 80lb, sack of skin conceive a baby? No, she's just using this as her "get out of jail free card" - and if she can avoid jail time, then I'm sure she'll "miscarry". She said she's 4 months pregnant! Sweet lord...if that is true...No! I refuse to believe it. This is how I cope with the possibility that Nicole Richie will soon be responsible for the life of another human being; straight-up denial. I won't believe your lies, Nicole Richie! I'll believe you when I actually see the anorexic baby emerge from your baby slide. And you all know when that will be: