sexiest woman maxim

Apparently winning American Idol does more for people than one would expect. And according to the grandmother of the newly crowned winner, Jordin Sparks, it has helped her realize she is beautiful, curvy and all. Aww, how cute. Of course your grandmother is going to make you feel good about yourself! That's what grandmas are for. Well, that and the occasional handout. Well good for you Sparks! You're going to need all the good feelings you can get because your career will probably consist of singing for a car company or showing your ass off to someone's camera phone... or maybe even Jenny Craig will call you up and have you sing some songs to her clients!



Say hello to curves but goodbye to your career. It was fun while it lasted!!

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Tammy Faye, weak and ravaged by cancer, is currently 62 pounds and “in pain 100 percent of the time,” she tells Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing tonight and tomorrow. “At this point, (I’m) not afraid of dying, it’s how will I die.”

Nicole Richie, coked up and ravaged by delusional vanity, is currently 5 pounds and "disgusting to look at 100 percent of the time". When asked for a comment, she said "No fatties!" No, really...she did.

My question to you, dear readers is: Who is rocking their rapidly approaching death better? Tammy Faye or Nicole Richie?

Thanks Song

God, I love fake mustaches. They are a much better accessory then the obvious oversized purses & sunglasses and shower caps that all the celebrities are always carrying around. Good to see that Snoop Dogg is bringing them back for Summer 2K7. Ladies, feel free to wear them on your vaginas. I promise you that your vagina will experience a renewed sense of sophistication once you stick one on there. Mine likes to wear an overgrown soul patch, kind of like this.

These guys are apparently twins, also apparently in a band called The Forms, and have undoubtedly provided me with the best thing I've seen all day. This is like a pop-culture version of the intertwined arms wedding toast. 90210, I humbly ask you again...Will You Marry Me? Don't choose "me" this time.

Nelly! Nelly Furtado!!! Over here! I'm OVER HERE!!! Perhaps you can't see me because you NEVER OPEN YOUR G.D. EYES. Stop smiling wit them and let's try seeing wit them. Alright, I'm going to start saying things that only a Canadian would truly understand, in hopes that you can follow my voice. I'll know when you've found me by that oh-so familiar, mildly retarded look you get on your face when you've recognized something. Ready?

Mounties


Loonies


President's Choice


Rush


Those delicious things you call Smarties, but are really M&M's




There she is! I knew talk of Canadian things would bring out the inner tard in Nelly. Next time we'll work on relaxing your lips so they don't always resemble the asshole of a small child. Oh, Canada.

Nanny #2, pick das bagel up and give it to one of the kinders.


Heidi Klum has either given birth to three spawns of Satan, or she simply can't stand her children. How else can you explain the fact that she has enlisted her mother & three nannies to help take care of her 3 kids. Heidi can't help the fact that she's taken a rather dominant & displinarian approach to parenting, I mean...she is German, after all. Which is why she should just run with a strict German approach to raising her kids. Growing up shouldn't be "fun" and "games" - put those kids in some uniforms, paint their bedrooms black and make them sit in there for a minimum of 8 hours a day, and when they're bad chain them to the radiator. That'll learn them. I mean, that's how I was raised and look how well-adjusted I turned out to be. But not, Henry. That little angel was sent directly from the heavens. He should be put in a box, poke some air holes in it, and sent to me. You clearly can't handle the love he has to give anyway, Heidi.

Under normal circumstances, I would say "Look everyone! Beyonce has a clang!" Then you would laugh & laugh and tell all of your friends what a wonderful blog this is. But I think you and I both know that we are dealing with something far more serious here. Within Beyonce's underwear lies the full shaft of an erect penis. Unless Beyonce has the largest clang known to man, it's probably safe to assume that Beyonce is a man, and from that one could reasonably deduce that Jay-Z is gay. Nothing wrong with that. Jay-Z picked one of the good ones. Beyonce is almost the most convincing tranny the world has ever seen, second only to this guy. Now dance, tranny. Dance!

Aw! Look who it is! It's my favorite French-Canadian, Celine Dion and her daughter Rene-Charles! How cute! That little girl looks just like her mommy! And look at that long, curly hair! How magnificent! How touching! It makes me want to have a baby!


Wait...what's that say up in the right hand corner?



SON????? What the fuck?!?! Sweet French-Canadian Jesus, why do people feel the need to do this to their children. Kate Hudson is pulling this shit too. I'm not saying that I won't do the same thing with my son, but my reasons will be because I want to force him to be gay, not because I'm crazy like those two. Even if you took the long, luxurious locks from little Rene-Charles, I still say that he looks like a she. Maybe (s)he's a hermie and Celine is just waiting for the dominant genitalia to kick in. If so, perhaps she should have told Hello Magazine that she was gonna hold off on the cover story until her son's balls either drop or morph into a vagina.

This picture of Bobby Brown and his new girlfriend Alicia Etheridge almost made my she-bone explode. Everyone, this is the hotttest couple of 2K7. Gaze upon them in all of their glory as they are too wasted to figure out how to kiss each other properly or how to walk with their traps shut. My sweet dear lord, they are a beautiful couple. My new goal in life is to be the frosting in the middle of this oreo cookie. If Alicia looks familair to you, it may be because she is the star of one of the greatest videos of all time.



I've yet to see anyone stand in the water and fake play the saxaphone quite like her.

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Welcome to the first installment of a new semi-regular feature on TGG called "Today on R. Kelly TV". R. Kelly created a channel on youtube to promote his new album "Double Up" which came out yesterday (you can listen to a few of the tracks here). So far, I have learned that R. Kelly can go from talking about Notorious B.I.G. to singing "I believe I can fly" in less than a second. Another thing I've learned is that R. Kelly really likes the song "I believe I can fly" as he seems to be mentioning it a lot. That's not my favorite R. Kelly jam, and I'm kind of surprised (and a bit disappointed) that he likes it so much. Luckily my favorite R. Kelly Jam (next to "Gotham City" of course, which he curiously has yet to say anything about) is available on R. Kelly TV. Also not mentioned yet...his sex tape. But I'm sure he'll get to that in good time, but for now - Let's see what R. Kelly is doing...TODAY ON R. KELLY TV:



R. KELLY EATS A COOKIE! Then he says...if he keeps eating cookies...wait for it....WAIT...FOR...IT....

YOU

COULD

CALL

HIM


R. BELLY!!

And with that, my day is complete.

All that letter writing that Britney Spears did yesterday must have brought back memories of the good old days. Britney was seen being carried out of the MENS bathroom after a recent stint of partying. She was covered in her own vomit. It's good to know that Britney is a changed woman since rehab. Before rehab, she may have choked on her own vomit, but this new, reformed Britney can rally with the best of them, even if she was found "slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off". Britney, how do you feel about this little mishap?



Well put.

Here we have Nicole Richie looking like a picture of good health. But unfortunately, something is wrong with this picture. Can you guess what it is? Let this video of Miss USA falling down serve as the blog's jeopardy music henceforth:



Times up! If you guessed: her protruding sternum, her stringy hair, her lack of a bra, her emaciated tummy that resembles that of a starving 3rd world child, her deathly pale skintone, or her sunken in eyes...I'M SORRY! You are incorrect. The correct answer is...she is not wearing shoes. Now she has probably caught the AIDS that some homeless man has left on the ground, adding one more problem to her ever growing list of life threatening ailments. Get well soon, Richie!

Well, I guess I was wrong about Britney Spears getting a break from tabloid ridicule in the wake of all the Lindsay Lohan drama flying about. Britney could have just laid low, maybe done something not as trashy as usual, and use this time that she's not in the spotlight to turn her life around a bit. But instead, Britney walks the streets in a stained white dress and posts a letter on her website addressing the issues that everyone has already forgotten about. The letter reads "blah blah blah...I hate my manager...blah blah blah...I went to rehab...blah blah blah...I got some kids". She also mentions Tyra Banks for some reason, talks about how she can't wait to meet God (regardless of God's gender), and includes this little gem of a line "I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me". Whoever is in control of Britney's life right now...keep up the good work! Feed her a bottle of red and send her a'type-type-typin' away. I promise to always love you unconditionally, Britney...as long as you continue to make terrible decisions for our entertainment.

Salma Hayek is going to explode. No one is really sure when this baby is due, but I pray to god that for Salma's sake it is soon. If she is forced to stretch her stomach or grow her boobs any larger, then I truly fear for her life. Her shirt apparently says "Stylish, Sexy, Pregnant". Okay, fair enough. But I don't really see stylish or sexy going on here, I only see a woman who desperately should be sitting down and resting, not lugging around the giant baby & giant boobs that she is forced to be carrying everywhere she goes. Take a break, girl.

Lindsay Lohan needs better friends. It was not a pleasant memorial day weekend for the 20 year old, who was *deep breath*: arrested for DUI & possession of cocaine, her sweet sponsor for her 21st birthday party pulled out of the deal leaving her no choice but to celebrate her 21st birthday back in rehab. So Lohan had to get at least one last buzz on before she was sent back to the caged, sober hell that is the Promises Treatment Center, so she went out partying with her girlfriend Samantha Ronson, and then night ended like this.

Lindsay Lohan's friends are dicks. First of all, she's going out and partying with these assholes, getting herself wasted, getting them wasted, I'm sure she's paying for everything, and her dick friends make her drive their asses home too? And when her friends do drive her home, they don't even shield her drunk ass from the cruel lens of the paparazzi? Maybe Samantha should have draped something over her wasted friend so these photos wouldn't have been all over the internet today. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm glad to see her like this, but who hasn't been here before? I can't speak from experience as far as the DUI/coke binge thing goes, but I definitely can relate to her drunk ass passed out in the passenger seat, probably mumbling something about going to Taco Bell, while blindly swatting away any help anyone is trying to give her. But, not only would my friends still try to help me no matter how hard I hit them, or how many times I told them I was "fukkin FINE man...fah...jesuhus...i jus need...sleeping now..." and they'd probably stop by Taco Bell for me too. Unfortunately for Lindsay, this is not true with her friends. So, better luck next time? We'll keep you posted on any major, groundbreaking, life changing developments in the Lohan-saga. At least this will probably give Britney Spears a break from her share of constant, unrelentless public ridicule.

Hooray for holidays! Even ones that are technically supposed to be about sad things, but are celebrated with much drinking and merriment because we don't have to work on Monday!!! I leave you now with two things. The first is a favorite jam of mine. CeCe Peniston's poignant lyrics express the joy I am currently feeling while celebrating one of the first paid holidays of the year. The second is a picture of Sienna Miller riding a bike. This brings me joy as she looks like an a-hole, yet I could not find a proper use for it on the blog this week. Have a great, LONG weekend everyone! We'll see you on Tuesday!

Here we have Beyonce on vacation. She looks alright, but...something just isn't right about this photo. I'm a little scared and I don't know why. What oh what do Beyonce's jet black eyes remind me of?



AAAAAHHHHH! Brother Justin from the brilliant but cancelled HBO series Carnivale aka evil in its purest form! NOOOOO!!! It's no wonder she has so many chart topping jams! It's the work of the devil, I tell you!



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Someone hold me.

For more pictures of Evilonce vacationing with Jay-Z go here.

Dang, it's gotta be rough to come in second place on Maxim's top 100 hotttest bitches list. The only thing worse would be coming in second to a coke-whore like Lindsay Lohan! Zing, Jessica Alba! We're bringing you down!!! Let's put the final nail in the coffin by deciding whether or not this rising "star" is an Asshat or Not-An-Asshat! It's Blank or Not-A-Blank!

I'm not gonna lie...I know very little about Jessica Alba. I never watched her Dark Angel show, so all I know is that the dudes want to bone her. Obviously, this makes me hate her for no reason. I can't help it. I'm a woman. Asshat

But wait! I do know something about Jessica Alba! She starred in one of my favorite movies! Obviously, I'm referring to Honey. I'm such a sucker for the "Down-on-their-luck-kids-use-dancing-to-empower-themselves" genre (See also this and this). Not-An-Asshat

Jessica Alba may not only be mildly retarded, but the bitch is wasteful! Just look at the promo poster for her upcoming movie Good Luck Chuck:



Girl! That delicious soft serve is going to waste! If there's one thing I hate more than a tard, it's a wasteful tard. Asshat

According to a gripping interview with Instyle this month, she's also kind of an asshole! She talks about what a spoiled brat she was as a child:

“I love challenging authority. It probably wasn’t easy being my parents. The second somebody says ‘no’ to me is the second I’m going to jump up and say ‘yes!”’

I'm in the process of training a puppy so I know how to deal with defiant bitches. Jessica, don't make me dog whisperer your ass. Asshat

But then, in the same award winning interview, she also said this: “Because obviously, if you have a womanly figure, you’re not allowed to have a brain or any idea of the world whatsoever. You just have to be hot and use your body to get ahead.” She obviously has a firm understanding of how the world works. Jessica, I may have underestimated you. Not-An-Asshat

Jessica Alba likes old peen. She wants some old, wrinkly peen to snuggle up inside her because "They've been around and know so much". Alright, fair enough I guess. But answer me this, Jessica. When the old peen started coming around, why didn't you hit that shit when it was made available to you?:

"But she backed away from religion, she says 'when older men would hit on me, and my youth pastor said it was because I was wearing provocative clothing, when I wasn't. It just made me feel like if I was in any way desirable to the opposite sex that it was my fault, and it made me ashamed of my body and being a woman."

You are one big ball of confusion. Asshat

Right now, the Asshats have it. But, I could have told you that before we even started. I mean, she's a French/Mexi. A Frenchican. No me gusta. What do you think? Let us know, in the comments! And, as always, don't forget to send your suggestions for the next Blank or Not-A-Blank to twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com

Here is the latest MAC commercial video from Eve for "Tambourine". I like the video. I like the song. Probably because I've dreamed of being the tambourine girl in a band all my life (I aim high). I'm hoping that this song helps make tambourine's THE "it" accessory for Summer 2K7. If it can't be tambourines, I hope it's finger cymbals. Those things rule.

Ahoy! Ahoy, I say! Sailor Britney, what do you see in your gossip goggles?



What's that? You spy some more drama from The View? After that totally spontaneous, not staged at all fight between Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck on Tuesday, a writer for Rosie totally won the fight by drawing mustaches on the photographs of Hasselbeck that hang in The View studios. Hasselbeck plans to retaliate by inviting Rosie to a sleepover, then sticking her hand in warm water. She's totally gonna pee herself.

Avast ye landlubbers! Sailor Britney spies some more gossip on the poop deck!



Oh no, I'm sure this one stings a bit for Sailor Britney, as People magazine is reporting that her ex Justin Timberlake wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the ti-ime with new special lady friend, Jessica Biel. A source has said that Jessica is "the coolest chick ever" so, you know it's gonna last.

Is that all you have for us for now, Sailor Britney? Well thanks for the gossip! It's always sad to see you go, but we sure do love to watch you leave.



Image Source

According to weather.com it's 73 degrees in Los Angeles. BRRRR!!! What is it, winter there? Good thing Marilyn Manson has dressed himself from head to toe in black leather and is tugging at his jacket for warmth. Perhaps hell really has frozen over and he's just the first to know. Try to stay warm, sir.

There was some weird shit going down on the red carpet for Ocean's Thirteen at the Cannes Film Festival. First, there was George Clooney. Out of all the men in this film, he is the best at doing the whole "I'm-tricking-everyone-into-thinking-I-had-a-blast-making-this-movie! Really,-I'm-just-overwhelmed-with-joy-when-I-think-about-how-much-money-I-have" thing that they've all been doing since the first movie:



Tragically, something effed has happened to Ellen Barkin's face. I can't quite pinpoint it, but something just ain't right:



Someone should have told Tilda Swinton that the robotic lesbian/Micheal Jackson look was so 2003.



Angelina Jolie's arms are absolutely terrifying. They are 8 feet long and all bone. And it looks like she's about to sprout something from her wrist. See that little stump there? Maybe she'll grow wings on her arm, just like this cat did on his back.



More photos here

Last night at the annual Cinema Against AIDS dinner (which I was unfortunately unable to attend, as I was at the annual Bloggers for AIDS dinner which took place across the street at KFC), George Clooney and his some of the Ocean's Thirteen crew were auctioning off a seven-day Mediterranean getaway when Sharon Stone announced: "If you bid, one of these guys will come down and touch you. And you can choose which one". Some guy won with a bid of $350,000, and George Clooney came down and kissed his girlfriend. Inappropriate, George. First, Sharon said that you would touch her, not kiss her, and for $350,000 I would like you to at least touch your wang to me. We don't have to bone, just gently rest it on my shoulder or something. If you are going to kiss me that kiss better be firmly planted on my vagina.

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I'm very proud that Alexyss Tylor exists, and continues to make her brilliant show. Don't let these puller-outers & dick and nut deliverers get you down. We love you!

Remember when Foxy Brown was arrested for spitting on someone? Apparently that hateful sales associate saved the spat, because Foxy now has to take a DNA test to determine if the spit actually came from her. This seems a bit ridiculous. I mean, a dude can make le art out of spit and get put on the teevee, but a black woman gets arrested for simply defending her weave? The only good thing coming from this situation is that googling "spit" provided me with this great picture of Tupac, spitting & representing Detroit at the same time:



Free Foxy.

So, you wanna hear Amy Winehouse do ya? Well, I've got something even better! Amy Winehouse being sung by Rosie O'Donnell while she's having make-up applied. I guarantee that this will kill a little piece of you this morning. You're welcome.

This week I learned that Amy Winehouse is considered by many to be the "white Lauryn Hill." Sure, I've never heard any of her songs, but still, something tells me this comparison is weak... and I haven't heard anyone on the radio that sounds remotely close to Lauryn Hill.

This is another reason I don't agree.



We all know it has been rumored in the past that Lauryn Hill hates whites. Maybe this explains it. Maybe if everyone wants Lauryn Hill to make a comeback, we shouldn't compare her to Toothless Elvira. And speaking of toothless, perhaps Amy wouldn't have a jacked up grill if she didn't shove her teeth directly into sugary treats. But then again, she is British, perhaps she figured it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

Or maybe she's just really gross and for that I say we owe Lauryn Hill an apology. This isn't the same thing as getting past that fat chick that sang for C&C Music Factory who was hidden behind the scenes and replaced in videos with a thin and popular girl who couldn't sing. Oh no, this is a much larger atrocity, no pun intended.


To say she is anything like Lauryn Hill, even just vocally is just wrong.

I think this makes a much better comparison.



EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

...And believe us, that whore is gonna DRINK!. Lindsay Lohan will turn 21 on July 2, and she's not going to let the fact that she was just released from rehab for substance abuse, or the fact that she is still currently in AA, stop her from getting aaaah-WASTED! Lindsay will be able to drink for the first time ever thanks to Svedka Vodka, who is now sponsoring the bash. But, to be fair, if you go to Svedka's website you start to understand why Lindsay chose this brand to pay for host her prestigious event. The website asks "Did your sex tape just go public?" and answers "Blame Svedka!". Lohan's sex tape hasn't gone public...yet. But when it does, Lindsay will be glad she has you to blame. Until that wonderful day, Lindsay will bide her time by wearing over-sized men's shirts as dresses:



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Sarah Jessica Parker has been forced to talk to her son about The Gays. Little James Wilke Broderick is only four years old, but he's already inquiring as to why some men like to place their penis's into the assholes of other men:

"He's very interested in what being gay is... because so many of our friends are gay. "You (have to) think very carefully and you're prudent about the choice of words and you talk about people looking for happiness and fulfillment in your life and how all families are different and look different. "You're forced to really consider your answers. You're forced to think a lot about what you're saying and how you're saying it - even the tone."

I think the obvious answer to the little one's question is that The Gays are magical creatures, often affectionately known to one another as faeries, who have helped mommy and daddy afford the extravagant lifestyle that you enjoy by buying every piece of Sex and the City memorabilia with mommy's face on it and by attending every musical daddy has ever been in. They also bathe in sin and some of them even wear heels...just like mommy! It is also wise to take this opportunity to turn your son gay, as The Gays will align with the Jews in 2015 and take over the world. You've already won half the battle by naming your son James Wilke. Now finish the job.

Yesterday, Angelina Jolie sent my world into a rapid tailspin when she told reporters that she would be taking a year off sometime in the near future to further help heal the world. What am I going to do with myself during her hiatus? How will I live without Angelina? I had to take a moment to collect myself. I did this by sneaking off into my closet where I keep my Angelina shrine and consult it for the infinite wisdom that it always provides. I'm feeling much better now, and I'd like to share with you some things that I plan to do with all of the free time I'm about to have.

*Finally start taking care of my children. They haven't been doing so well these days:




*Finish my unauthorized biography of Angelina, tentatively titled "God gave me these lips so I could save us all" or "Boom I got your boyfriend, I got your man (I got him)"

*Continue perfecting my needlepoint work. Finish ongoing series of inappropriate depictions of people and horses:



*Befriend Lindsay Lohan. Have her teach me the ways of pantylessly destroying various hotel suites (2nd item).

I think those things should keep me busy for a while. Any other suggestions? Other than crying myself to sleep on a nightly basis? Leave them in the comments! Angie, this one goes out from me...to you: