sexiest woman maxim

In an interview in Scratch magazine Wyclef Jean puts Lauryn Hill on blast.



"Lauryn is straight up the problem, bro. She wants to be a producer. Don’t come telling us how to chop up beats so you can get credit for it."

This in addition to the comments Pras recently made, I think its safe to say any dreams of a Fugees reunion have been laid to rest. I am torn. Anyone who knows me knows how much I loves me some Lauryn Hill and how much I want not to believe that she is on as much bullshit as everyone says, but...

...how can I? It's too hard not to think that L.Boogie ain't gone and lost her shit when she keeps showing up places looking like a sweaty, puffy vagabond. I think that all the Fugees need to get get back to form, is to hire Lauryn a stylist. No one will think you have flipped your wig if you don't look like you have. The music soon will follow.

*better days*

Here's a picture of Courtney Love that is funny:



Ha! What the hell happened to her! She looks like Janice from the muppets!:



Here's a picutre of Courtney Love that is not really that funny:



Jesus Christ...What the hell happened to her? Put those glasses back on, honey. I prefer comedy to depression. In fact, you should do a jig or something in order to help me forget that sad image. No? You don't jig, Courtney? Fine...I'll do my own jig, let me just find some jams to jig to...

In an essay in Glamour Star Jones cops to having gastric bypass surgery.






In other breaking news, grass is green and fire be hot.

Literally. By Jack Daniels.





Only this horseface can get away with open intoxication while driving. Some people get to a point where they are drunk so much, its no longer being drunk, its just being normal. Amy Winehouse is one of these people. Either that or she is the least photogenic person I have ever seen. I'm going to go with a little of both. There is a name for people like Amy - drunken whore.

I've got nothing against drinking, but you know its a problem when you start offering services to a drunk leprechaun in exchange for helping you find your bottle of Jack.



Thats one unlucky leprechaun, but I do hear she gives some nice head.

(lots more kids getting scared/mildly injured at Buzzfeed)

Oh lawd, what a day! Since there is really nothing that great going on in the gossip world, I leave you this video of a kid almost having a heart attack. Is it a coincidence that this happened while he was lip synching to Britney Spears? I think not. Britney, we know you ain't thinking about how your actions are going to leave lasting, irreversible, negative impressions on your children. So perhaps you would change your ways if you were faced to think about the children of the world? They are, in fact, our future:



And finally, here is some extended footage from the upcoming movie The Golden Compass. I'm sort of a nerd, and I'm TOTALLY FLIPPIN EXCITED for this movie. Get over the hate for talking animals, y'all haters. This movie is going to rule:

Its not the first time I have criticized the lead singer from U2, and it certainly wont be the last. Its obvious that I can't stand him. But for good reasons usually.



When did Bono get so fat?? First off, I almost didn't recognize him and for a moment, mistook him for Robin Williams.



So if that is really Robin Williams, I apologize. I don't care if you are fat or if you eat the Africans food because you don't patronize me when I don't help out poor people.



Why is he telling people to send money and food and relief to Africa when its clearly never getting to poor people that are hungry and need it. Its obvious that Chubbo formerly known as Bono is eating it all or spending all the money on food and forgetting to puke it up.

That's fine though. Keep getting fat, Bono. I can't wait for you to release your first album as the lead singer for U2XXXXL.

Asshole.

Hold me tight, puppy, while I squeeze out a deuce.

And in today's obligatory "What crazy shit is Britney Spears doing now" news - she's having a breakdown while she films a sexy repulsive pole dance for her latest video:



This shit is getting really exhausting for me. Basically she looked a mess, and normally I would say that I was excited for this trash video to come out - but this has finally passed the point of amusing, and now can definitely be classified as straight up depressing. At one point, she allegedly "stared vacantly into the camera while she clutched her Yorkie puppie" and she "sobbed hysterically at the end of filming". I don't know what to say about this anymore. Britney's career and sanity are drowning, and I, like Phil Collins, am too far away to do anything about it. Nor would I really want to. I can feel Britney's Breakdown (version 3.0) coming in the air tonight. Get ready for it y'all.




More photos here

I'd like to present this is reason #3,235,986 that I don't watch the recently cancelled (Thank God!) piece of shit that is The Simple Life:



"Why, Girl #1, what's wrong with that?" you might find yourself asking, "She just looks overly tanned, per usual!".



That, my friends, is Paris Hilton's attempt at blackface. Yes, she was "transformed" into a "black" for her show. Nicole Richie did it too! Even more offensively, and unnecessarily, since she is actually part black:



Sweet lord. Honestly, I'm just jealous of the heiress. I was planning on bringing blackface back for a long time, but was going to wait until Fall 2K7 to debut my new look. That Paris, always one up on me...especially when it comes to highly offensive behavior.

Usher and Tameka Foster's wedding ended in the same manner that their relationship began, in a shroud of secrets and lies, and with an air of suspicion.



Hours before the afternoon ceremony was to take place in Southampton, N.Y., Usher's publicist Patti Webster issued the following statement:

"It was announced today that the wedding ceremony for Usher Raymond IV and Tameka Foster was canceled. No additional information will be given regarding the circumstances of the cancellation, but we hope the privacy of this matter will be respected."

The speculation as to why the wedding was called off is endless, and you know they ain't talkin' so I'll just have to give you my top 5 reasons.

1) The couple have too many differences. People Magazine reports that the "bride" wanted to serve guests ( Janet Jackson and Beyonce among them) barbeque and Usher wanted some siddity renown chef to serve some fancy shit. I'm with Tameka on this one, black people love BBQ! Plus the thought of her sucking the meat off a rack of ribs is funny. And a lil bit frightening.

2) Usher don't wanna be nobody's daddy! Y'all know that bitch got three kids already by, I can only assume, three different men.

3) A bitch got a record


4)Usher needs his Mama. As a mamas boy, I can understand. Who is going devote themselves to raising you and making sure you're happy? It's not that Tameka bitch, she already got kids to take care of. Who will constantly dote on you and make you feel as if no other woman will ever be good enough for you, forcing you to run into the arms of the first guy that touches you inappropriately? Mama will.

5) The couple is too much alike. In a Boys Don't Cry kind of twist, Usher realized that the woman he was boning and supposedly knocked up, was really a dude that he was just putting it in the ass with and did not get pregnant. Cause it's impossible !

There are few things I hate more than ugly babies, (Violet Affleck, I'm talkin to you) but thankfully in Hollywood, the powers that be feel differently. Ugly babies turn into "quirky" looking kids, (Johnathan Lipnicki) who then turn into pretty unfortunate looking adults.(Steve Buscemi) The lifespan of acceptance is short so you gotta strike while the iron is hot. So today I delight in reporting that Dakota Fanning is JACKED!!!



Hard to believe that this adorably toothless, ruffled, munchkin turned into a hunchbacked ogre.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!Clearly the iron has cooled, but I wish that it hadn't so that i could burn out my eyes. God she's a dog! And I don't want any of you whiny bitches crying at me "she's just a kid, Jigs" Ugly is ugly. And that thing is ugly!

Dude, J. Lo...what the hell is going on here? I know you turned down the hot recently so Marc Anthony could have a piece, but I think you turned it down too low. I was thinking more "rolling boil" hot, but you've turned it all the way down to simmer. However, we are here to help you get some of the hot back. So, let's try opening your mouth wider, like you smell something stinky and it has wafted its way into your mouth and you're vacant in the eyes...but you're going to use your tongue to push the smell back out. All the models do that face, it's hot. Give it a try!



Hmmm...that isn't working so much for you. What's going on with your boob, exactly? Are you not really a mexi? Because your boob is looking really caucasian. Nice touch with the shimmer lotion on the arm though. That tells people "Hey, I might look disgusting, but LOOK! SPARKLES!". Way to distract them. Let's try one more look. This one is destined to bring the hot back. Give me a good old pout. Never steered me wrong before!



Well. I guess there's a first time for everything, because that ain't right. And unfortunately, it looks like your husband has lost the hot that he briefly had, and is back to looking like a confused cancer patient who constantly glares at that which confuses him, which is everything. I'm done with you two.

I really think this bitch just is fucking with me now.



I have already told you that I still love your music Lauryn, but if you keep steppin out of your house lookin this hot of a mess, I am going to have to drop you all together. I mean it!

From the people who brought you This ho is pregnant (US - and not US weekly, I mean TGG) we'd like to dispel a pregnancy rumor (and also apologize for talking about Nicole Richie so much today). An exclusive source has revealed to us that this ho AIN'T pregnant!! Believe it when you hear it on that Diane Sawyer interview, but remember you heard it here first. Unless, of course, she is pregnant. Than promptly forget that we ever said anything and dear baby jesus, please heed the call of jigga (below). I'll take care of that lying bastard llama.

Remember the last time Diane Sawyer had an interview with a troubled celebrity in an effort to clear the air- dispell some of the rumors? Remember what happened? Well let me refresh your memory.

Whitney "crack is whack" Houston. * all the good shit at 6 min.*

As it has already been proven true here at TGG, that God don't give a shit about gays. But if He ain't too busy running from Paula. I hope that he hears this prayer. "Dear Jesus, Daddy, and the Spook, it's Jigga again. I know you don't particularly care for my kind but here's hopin'. If you could possibly avoid Nicole Richie on the days of August 2nd and 3rd when she interviews with Diane Sawyer, I would really appreciate it."


I am hoping that the combination of a long history of drug problems + a loser of a mate (dude from Good Charlotte) + being so frail + being knocked up + having to serving 4 days in the pokey + Diane = an interview of the same caliber of crazy as Whitney Houston. I know it's a lot to ask, (can something as awesome as "show me the receipts" ever be repeated?) but I really want to see the shit hit the fan.

"So God, if you could just stay away...just for a couple days, that'd be great. Just a couple days though, the life growing inside of her will need some help. Or, Nicole will need your help after the baby eats her vital organs due malnutrition. Oh, and if you do help me out Jesus, I promise not to put any penises in my mouth for a whole month. Amen."

I, on the other hand, am rendered increasingly uncomfortable.

One thing we haven't touched on much here is John Travolta and his inability to hide his baldness. We usually don't like to talk about John because he is a filthy Scientologist, but his insecurity about losing his hair is something that many men secretly fear. As you should, men. If you go bald - no one will like you. Women will be nice to your face, but behind your back they will be silently judging you and they will consider you less of a man. And your penis will shrink! John Travolta ain't scared though. He's embracing his baldness, and subsequently, his shrunken wang. Take a lesson from this Scientologist, boys. You too, can look this strapping - just let the baldness fly (the mullet, however, is optional. And not something we approve of)! And...let your wangs fly too. Freely in the open air. Just for LOLZ. But not you, Travolta. You keep your naked Scientology stick in your pants.

Naomi Watts finally let that baby slide right on outta there. I'm still a bit concerned. Not so much for her anymore, but for her vagina. That could not have felt pleasant. The beast that swelled her belly to ginormous proportions shall now and forever be known as Alexander Pete Schreiber, and he apparently only weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. This leads me to believe that there is another baby hiding all up in there. There must be. How can a little bean like that cause a woman to become such a giant fatty? We'll keep you posted on the emergence of a secret baby...

And I know I've posted this video before, but can you ever hear this song too many times? No...no you can't.

Three dudes who were involved with the latest Lohan DUI scandal are telling their story to TMZ. If you are a glutton for punishment, go over there and watch their "testimony". I'm feeling generous this Friday morning, so I'll recount the alleged story for you:

Lindsay Lohan is a dirty racist. Three dudes (two brothers, one honkey) were trying to get into her party in Malibu the night of her arrest. Lindsay only let the white man in (racist move #1). The two brothers are forced to wait outside. Lindsay, as wasted as can be, gets in a fight with her assistant. The honkey & the brothers get in their car to leave, and Lindsay jumps in the drivers seat. Brother #1 tries to get out of the car and Linday Lohan RUNS OVER HIS FOOT (racist move #2). She takes the remaining brother and the honkey on a high-speed chase, telling them "Don't touch me! I'll sue you" and my personal favorite, "I can't get in trouble, I'm a celebrity. I do what I want". Lohan chases the car containing her assistant who just quit this bitch straight to the police station, where she tells the cops "the black kid was driving" (racist move #3). What a g.d. racist.

So there you have it. Lindsay Lohan is allegedly a racist. TMZ also has the 911 tape. The mom of the assistant called 911 and said that a "gentlemen was driving". Are the three dudes liars? Probably. Is the mom of the assistant also a racist? Undoubtedly. Do we care anymore? Unfortunately...Maybe.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! What the hell? They are still making Bourne movies and Julia Stiles is in them? Shiny, round face & all? Yikes! I just puked up a bit of my Hot & Sour soup in my mouth. Good thing I've never seen any of those shitty movies. It's also a good thing that Matt Damon loves his Mexi Argentinian wife:


Girl, I know you're a mexi or something, but get out of that tanning bed!

apparently more than Ben Affleck:



loves his wife, who was forced to waddle down the red carpet all on her own:



She looks fierce. Not in the Tyra Banks/Top Model way, but more in the "I'm coming to suck the brains out of your head through your ears and mama-bird them to my daughter" kind of way. And that's all I got, folks. Today marks the calm after the Lohan storm. We'll see what else the gossip world brings us, but if I'm posting about a Bourne movie premiere, chances are it ain't gonna be much. Julia Stiles, this one goes out to you...because the first three words describe your face:




More premiere here.

If you didn't like Chocolate Rain...well, I'm not sure I want to know you. But, I'll give you a chance to get back in my good graces. Here's a new video for Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothin. The video features video ho-fessional & lip-syncher extraordinaire Zach Galifianakis & sad-bastard artist Will Oldham. Maybe all y'all racists will be a bit more kind to a black man singing if his jam is being lipsynched by two really REALLY white dudes. Let us know.

UsWeekly reports that after over two years of bliss, Jessica drops Cash faster than you can say "Dark Angel." Sources say that Jessica broke up with Cash via telephone, calling to tell him "I'm not in love with you anymore." Then, (this is my favorite part) she sent her assistants to her home in L.A. to pack up all his shit and move him out.


Yeah...he bores me too Jess.

What could be the cause of such a sudden decision? Some say it could be the rumored relationship between Jessica and .....wait for it.... 50 Cent. I think this exactly what she needs right now. A bonafide money making thug like Curtis is sure to get Jessica some of her cred back after denying her Mexi heritage. Plus who doesn't love a thug?

Cash on the other hand, isn't doing so well. The breakup came out of nowhere and he is understandably devastated. Having seen Jessica Alba I can see how. Even though Cash is a producer of some kind, by Hollywood's standards, he's pretty much a regular guy. I think he should be happy that he got to stick his penis in her for as long as he did.

I truly do wish the best for these two. Jessica, enjoy 50's jewel encrusted penis and try not to cry too much when he whoops your ass, as he surely will end up doing (thug love ain't free) and try to protect your face. Cash, I ain't got much for ya buddy. You probably won't have a chick nearly as hot Jessica and after the few weeks of media coverage you'll probably won't be heard from again, but good news, I found a place for you to stay since that bitch left you homeless.


Jigga always pulls through.

Kate Moss has been an emotional wreck lately (shocking, huh?) over the loss of two sex tapes recorded with ex-flame Pete Doherty. The thought of whatever disgusting acts those two could have possibly done sends a shiver down my spine. Can you imagine the sight of Pete doing a line of blow from the crack of Kates ass? What are the chances that his dick would be any cleaner than the rest of him? He looks like a hobo!



Either way, there's no need to fret Kate. Having your bits and pieces exposed to the world is bound to do you some good. Haven't you read The Trashy Girls Guide To Fame? Every girl with a dream of fame and nominal talents should own a copy.


Pam Anderson read it and look at her career. If she hadn't recorded herself being impaled by Tommy Lee, she would have been able to create such art as Barb Wire, and she probably wouldn't have gotten syph- or whatever it is he gave her.

Look who else read it.


Do we even know what she does? Nope. And do we care? She is at the height of her fame right now, and all she had to do was get a lil bit of pee on her!

There are a countless amount of starlets with their sexual exploits documented for us regular people to pull it to. Paris Hilton has a sex tape, Lindsey Lohan and her boyfriend Samantha have one, Britney Spears and K Fed have one with them rubbing chicken fat all over each other and him eatin Funions out of her lady taco. I am starting to think they hand out A Trashy Girls Guide To Fame at Hyde.

Fame is fame. Even if it's for pretty much being a hooker. Just thank the Lord that people are still talking about you Kate.

A question to dudes with erectile dysfunction: Do y'all like to sit around and sing about it? That's what this commercial for Viagra would like us to believe. I have no idea how old/new this is...but this is hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the first line, "Got me a honey..." better when I misheard it the first time and I thought he said "God, me horny...". Enjoy.

First, Kelly Rowland fell down:



Now Beyonce...has fallen:



Michelle Williams, as the third and final member of Destiny's Child yet to take a tumble, the world is waiting on you. Don't let these bitches upstage you with their falling! You can fall down better! You can fall down harder! Break something! Reclaim your space in the spotlight!

Edit: Aw shit, apparently Michelle Williams has already fallen.



HA! I guess all that's left is for Destiny's Child to re-unite, and then all fall down together, as a group. I'll wait for that

Thanks to TGG reader Kitty for pointing that out!

I think Tom Cruise should get his sweat glands looked at. He really shouldn't be sweating that much, or in that pattern. If you're really that hot, why not just commit to removing your jacket entirely?

I think that this is fucking ridiculous, but I do respect Rihanna's hustle. Cash in on your soon to be nonexistent fame while you can girl. People will soon realize that although she has a hot body she kinda looks like an alien. Once the public catches on, her career is dead. Young and hot, marginally talented singers we can tolerate, but old ugly bitches who can't sing just ain't gonna work. Soon enough not every dude is gonna want to bone you, so make all the money you can now RiRi and don't stop at UM-BA-RELLAS.


Maybe Rihanna hot pants?
Or better yet, Rihanna yeast infection cream for wearers of Rihanna hot pants.


You could patent whatever it is that made your GIANT forehead look surprisingly regular sized and your tits look so big.

*Rihanna this ones for you. Jam to this while you count your cash.*

We'd like to start off the day by thanking none other than Lindsay Dee Lohan for reading the blog. It's clear that she heeded the advice that we gave to Paris Hilton in the wake of her legal troubles. Remember, we told Paris to use the timeless "it wasn't me" defense. But Paris did not listen, and look where that got her. In an email to "Access Hollywood" host Billy Bush, Lindsay did exactly what we tried to get Paris to do - deny all knowledge of the crime or responsibility. She wrote:

“I am innocent... did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy,”

That's right, girl. Deny that the drugs that they found in YOUR pocket were yours, and blame someone else. Way to go! But now you're faced with another dilemma. If the drugs weren't yours, whose were they? Don't worry, Lohan - we got you covered. Here are some possible excuses to use when Billy Bush undoubtedly pressures you for more answers (that fucking asshole):

WHOSE DRUGS WERE THOSE DRUGS??? THEY CERTAINLY WERE NOT MINE

Suspect 1: Dina Lohan



Blaming your mom is probably the best thing that you can do, since it is most likely the closest thing to the truth. You (unfortunately) look a lot like her, especially when you are wasted (see mug shot above). You can either say that it was actually your mom that they should have arrested and in some wacky police hijinx the two of you got mixed up leading to your erroneous arrest. Or you can say that you were merely delivering the drugs to your mom. People will respect that you are no longer "doing" these drugs, and subsequently respect that you are just "delivering" them now. As your lawyer said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "This shit ain't easy".

Suspect 2: Bo-Bo the Family Dog



I don't know if you have a dog. And if you do, I'm willing to bet his name is not "Bo-Bo". However, it's really easy to get a dog. Just go down to the humane society and pick one up. Sprinkle a little co-caine into that dog's nose and blame all this mess on your junkie dog.

Suspect 3: Cody Lohan



At 11 years old, your little brother is a PERFECT candidate for taking the fall for you. He's young, impressionable, and rich thanks to you. What better way to pay you back than by assuming your felony charges. Don't let his crying or pouting weaken your resolve to push the blame on him. Just remember. He has red hair. This should automatically evoke thoughts of Chucky in the minds of many red-blooded Americans:



If it doesn't just show the media this picture of him dressed as an Indian:



We all know that Indians have problems...and people will logically assume that your brother shares those same problems if he chose to dress like one.

Suspect 4: A Monkey on a Treadmill



Just because.

That should get you started. Mull it over, and pick the best option. And, just so you know Linds, all of these options can also double as an excuse for the person (or animal) that you claim was actually chasing you. Good luck, girl!