sexiest woman maxim

There is only one thing that I love more than The Big Lebowski and that is punching the ever-lovin' crap out of some cute babies. Since I'm punching babies on Tuesday, Thursday & Friday of this week, my birthday - WEDNESDAY - is wide open for some Lebowski action figures. Feel free to order them and then hold them up to your monitor and wish them to me. Or you can email us (twogirlsplusgay@gmail.com) and I'll give you our "office" address. The Lebowski Urban Achievers set comes with a plush Dude & Walter along with fun accessories like yellow tinted sunglasses & a tin coffee can/urn. Click here to check it out in all of its glory. The set doesn't ship until October, but it's okay...I'll wait.

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Happy Birthday Kirsten Dunst, you horrible beast of a woman. It pains me to know that not only do we share the same birth year, but we are separated by mere days (That's right y'all - yours truly has a birthday coming up on Wednesday! You can paypal me money that I will surely spend on male strippers in Canada. They show wang there!). If we had been born in the same hospital, on the same day, I would have crawled my wrinkly, sick newborn baby ass over to your tupperware box and strangled you with your own umbilical cord. But, since that was not our fate, the world gets to see you promoting Spiderman 3 again somewhere looking like one of Santa's little racoon eyed whores. Happy Birthday!

Remember when Lily Allen was kicking at the paparazzi like an asshole and her boyfriend shot her a well deserved judgemental look? No? Remind yourself. Back? Great! Lily Allen has learned how to keep her boyfriend's (I think that's the same guy. I really can't be sure. All you roundish dudes with your scruffy beards look the same to me) judgemental looks at bay, and that is by jamming her tongue down his throat! See how his facial expression and general demeanor has changed:



She has brought joy to the joyless! I'm sure this guy was perfectly content being angry at everything, but Lily had to go fuck that all up by massaging the happy zones in his brain with her tongue. Thanks to Lily Allen, all you jaded men will experience joy again, so you better crank your cynical attitudes into overdrive. This little Brit is about to lick you into submission.

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Dear Britney Spears,

We know you are really excited about your new body. We also know that you are really ashamed about that whole silly head-shaving incident, and like to cover it up with a cowboy hat. But this shit needs to stop. It is April 30, not October 31st - so these "slutty [insert profession here - my guess is waitress?]" costumes you keep wearing are really inappropriate. We're probably just jealous, though. I know The Gay is.

Heart,

Girl #1

Can you spot the woman? Steven Tyler is starting to resemble the way a fruit roll-up looks when you take it out of its handy plastic/waxy wrap and unroll it. He's all shiny and something tells me he probably smells of watermelon. I don't know why he would smell like watermelon, it's just something I'd like to think he'd smell like just to help me cope with the terror I feel when looking at him.

We all already knew not to trust, go near, or listen to Boy George, but someone needs to have a sit down with this guy. This crazy gay was arrested this weekend on charges of false imprisonment and common assault. He allegedly cruised the website Gaydar, and elicited the services of a male "model" who showed up to his place, only to be KIDNAPPED & CHAINED TO A WALL. The Daily Mail reports:

Auden Carlsen, 28, claimed he was grabbed by the singer and another man and chained up after the star invited him to his house in Shoreditch to pose for photographs...But the Norwegian said he feared for his life when Boy George pounced on him and tied him up.

“I was convinced I was going to die,” he said. “George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.”

Hmmm...a likely story, indeed. I don't believe this queen because he tried to spin the story by claiming that he wasn't working as an escort. No one looks at an ad online for "modeling services", and thinks they are actually going to be modeling. If you do, maybe you need to have Boy George tie you up and knock some sense into your dumbass. Regardless, Boy George has got some serious problems. Remember when he had to do community service for reporting a false burglary? Bitch is crazy:



And I don't mean in the "You so crazy! I think I wanna have your baby" way. Because I don't.

Okay, fine. Maybe I do. I've always dreamed of having an androgynous, insane child and I can think of no better sperm donor. As long as I don't have to bone his crazy, make-upped ass. Or let him touch me. Ew.

Man, I haven't hated on Kirsten Dunst in a few days now. She's been twirling all over the world, dressing her worst and promoting Spiderman 3. Let's take this time to take a look at some of the looks that Kirsten has sported this past week:


Coked up prom queen meets coked up 50-year-old socialite?


Kirsten, I'm happy that you finally realize you hit your peak with Interview with the Vampire, but it makes no sense to try to regress back to that role on the red carpet.


Funny, I never thought I'd say this, but "Me too, Kirsten...Me.Too."

Phew! I feel much better now! I haven't felt this good since I took that trip to space. Got a picture of it! Would you like to see it?



Man, that was fun.

Angelina is about to bust a vein in her head...SHE'S SO G.D. PRETEND HAPPY!


Due to her past with Marilyn Manson, Rose doesn't understand the word "happiness".


Lindsay does her best "Cowardly Lion gone Happy"


This one is more, "I think I just sharded." than happy.

Keep tryin', celebrities!

Another day, another Britney Spears photo. This time, she's out with her sons Sean Preston and what we can only assume to be Jayden James. Why she continues to smother that poor baby is beyond me. I've narrowed it down to two reasons.

1) Britney hates Jayden James because he looks like this:



Doesn't she realize that that little baby boy/panda mix that came out of her vagina will grown into a cute pandaboy? If she's lucky, he'll do cute things like this:



If she's unlucky, which we all know that she is, little Jayden "Pandaboy" James will most likely end up like this:

His father is Kevin Federline people, let us not forget that.

#2) She loves Jayden more than SP and doesn't think we deserve to see him. She irrationally thinks that she can have some semblance of privacy in her life still, by not letting the world see the one son they haven't already seen. Kind of a shitty deal for Sean Preston, no? Mommy doesn't care enough about you to shield you from this cruel, judgemental world. Just know Britney, this can't go on forever, unless you are planning on doing this. If so, just tell me where to send my bedazzled "JJ 4-eva" headbag that I've crafted for my favorite Spears spawn. Come on, Britney, can't you just exploit your child for millions by plastering him on the cover of People Magazine like you did with the other, obviously less important one?

This lady is apparently crazy and tried to run over Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James. She is also apparently not good at running over people, because she tried "3 or 4 times" and still couldn't hit his ass. I don't really know the details of this, and I don't really care, either. If you do, you can check TMZ, as I'm sure they will be constantly and diligently working on this insanely important story. Here's hoping Sandra & husband are A-OK so she can promptly return to working on [insert Speed joke here].

What do you do if the world thinks that you ditched out on your bill while dining with your pal Russell Simmons? Well, if you are Tyra Banks you promptly return to that fine establishment, only briefly hesitating to alert the paparazzi and turn it into a photo op. See y'all! Tyra's not an asshole! She hugs short little men who clearly aren't impressed and apparently gives them a late-tip of $100 (my advice sir, get that counterfeit pen out and make sure her money is good before she ditches you again):



Oh Tyra, you're such a good & modest person. Now get back to touching Rosie O'Donnell's lovely lady lumps:





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Holy muthafuckin shit. David Beckham bleached his hair. Did someone alert our troops overseas of this monumental occasion? I think this means we've won the war! We took to the streets to see what everyday celebrities, who are just like us - mind you, had to say about this:


Breakdancing fool Johnathon Lipnicki:

What happened to my youth?


Creepy Wax Statue of Justin Timberlake:

He looks so hottt! His hotttness is melting me! If I perish here, tell Posh to drizzle my hot, melted, waxy former fake self all over her newly bleached husband.


Just when you thought Marc Anthony couldn't look any more disgusting, movie poster (larger image here):

Aye! Who cares about his hair when you can come see our dumb movie! It promises to be worse than Gigli, yet unfortunately less offensive than Border Town

At least I think that's what the gross movie poster said. I don't really speak Mexican, so I can't be sure. What do you think of David Beckham's new hair? It made me literally crap my pants, although I'm not sure if that means it is good or bad.

Eve was arrested last night on a suspicion of a DUI after she crashed her gold Maserati on Hollywood Boulevard. That's too bad for Eve. Something else that is too bad for Eve is that Sean Penn went to visit her in jail. Eve, I really hope you aren't hitting that. You are hot! You can do way better than Sean Penn! No word yet as to what these two were doing together, or if they were together before Eve's accident, but no "friend" comes to visit you in jail at 4am. We'll keep you posted.

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Paris Hilton will probably/hopefully not be with us for very much longer. The Scoop reports:

Paris Hilton was in the audience as Prince performed at Club 3121 at the Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas’s Club 3121 on April 20. At one point, Prince invited the “Stars Are Blind” crooner to join him onstage.

A “delighted” Hilton scampered onto the stage and the “Purple Rain” singer handed the wanna-be-pop star the microphone and told the audience, “Let’s see if she can really sing,” a source told the mag.

An angry and humiliated Hilton stormed offstage — and left the club two songs later, reports Us.

Excuse me, Paris? Have you never seen Purple Rain? You're lucky he didn't make your ass jump naked into Lake Minnetonka! Correct me if I'm wrong, but this seemed a little tame for the Purple One, no? If this was Prince in his prime, Paris would have stepped on stage, the fog machines would have kicked in and she would have been surrounded by Lisa, Wendy, and all of Prince's other hos. Prince would have levitated 3 inches of the ground, and in a beautiful falsetto, he would have COMMANDED her to sing. Paris would have had no other choice but to succomb to Prince's demands. But the new Prince rolls a bit differently, I guess. I still think it's safe to say that Paris should now fear for her life. Nobody puts Baby in the corner and NO ONE walks out on Prince. Watch your back, Paris.

Hugh Grant was arrested yesterday for throwing a container of baked beans at a photographer. #1) Why are you carrying around a tupperware container of baked beans & #2) Why didn't you set down the beans and pick up a large rock? I think it would have done more damage. Sure, the charges probably would have been more severe, but you would have accomplished your goal - which is the most important thing. I know you're British, Hugh Grant, but haven't you ever heard the saying "Sticks & Stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me"? I guess that is true until you tell someone that you hope their family dies:

The actor, who split from his girlfriend Jemima Khan in February, allegedly then said: “Do you know who I am? I’m a millionaire,” and screamed “Leave me alone.” Mr Whittaker told a tabloid newspaper: “I said ‘Give us a smile please’ and he looked really angry.

I walked backwards and he walked after me. He was effing and blinding at me. He kicked me hard three or four times then kneed me in the groin.

He asked if I had a girlfriend or kids and I said I had two. He said ‘I hope they die of f**king cancer’. I’m determined to see this through to the end because of what he said.”

And what a ZING from Hugh Grant! Kinda makes up for the pussy object he hurled. Wishing a diseased filled death upon one's significant other & children usually does the job quite nicely. I just hope that this whole ordeal pans out by Grant being so shaken by this incident that he has to calm himself by boning another prostitute. That should complete this path of destruction quite nicely.

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Um...Alright...I guess American Idol decided to take it up a creepy notch in the wake of Sangina's leaving by placing a hologrammed Elvis alongside Celine Dion so they could sing the greatest duet the world has ever heard, thus making television history. That's literally how Idol was trying to spin this strange event. My favorite parts are when Celine pretends to look at the fake twinkly lights that have created Elvis, as if she was really standing on the stage with the dead legend. Which begs the question, if you could be standing on the American Idol stage next to any hologram of a dead celebrity, who would you choose? I would choose the late, great O.D.B. and we could sing "Baby I got your money" for all the hungry children in Africa. Bono told me in the broadcast that you can change the world with music. So, hungry children of the world, feast upon the lyrics "You can call me dirty, and then lift up your skirt" and quench your thirst with "God made dirt and dirt will bust your ass". Oh...you're still hungry? Bono didn't mention that.

For the love of God will somebody feed her!! Keira Knightley is looking pretty damn thin lately and by thin I mean really nasty.





And I think it might be because she is confused and thinks she is from Africa. Amongst her bony frame she was found wearing this:



Someone should inform Keira that you are not African just because you wear a golden pendulum with a very stereotypical looking African woman head on it, which by the way, why the hell are you wearing that?? Because besides your awful yellowish, bulimic, British teeth as a dead giveaway that you're not black with nice glowing white teeth, I'm pretty sure you are one of the pastiest people in the world. But at one point, I did think you were dec (pronounced deese) and you were #43 on my top 50. But then you had to go and think you were African and therefore should starve.

Too bad for Keira, as #43 has just been replaced...

So, I'm browsing through People Magazine's however many most beautiful people, looking at their unshocking choices. Scarlett Johansson? Check. Patrick Dempsey? I don't agree, but whatever. Halle Berry? Obviously. But then I come across this:



PETE WENTZ??? Pete Wentz? Really? They even went so far as to include this little treat, Pete Wentz giving a tutorial on how to apply "guy-liner". If you don't want to subject yourself to one of the most ridiculous and unnecessary things ever put to film, let me highlight some of the things Wentz says:

"I've been called everything that you can ever think of. Make one up, I've been called that."

Ok! Thanks for the invitation! How's about...Twatwaffle, one armed fat baby, Hottie from Flavor of Love, cunt-a-saurus, asshole with teeth, fucktard? You've been called all of those things? Deservedly so, I'm sure. I'm not even getting into the tutorial. I'll be spending the next 2 hours smashing my head against the wall in an attempt to rid my brain of the 30 seconds I wasted watching that video. People Magazine, this one cut me deep.

The once universally feared (by white rappers, anyway) Suge Knight was caught by TMZ outside of a club last night berating a K-Fed look-a-like. Yeah, you heard me. He was talking shit to someone that looked like K-Fed. Suge then took this sad turn full circle by declaring, "Britney is my homegirl". Suge, I hope you were really, unbelievably high and can use that as an excuse for this sort of behavior, otherwise you have officially killed any fear-inducing power you once had. No one will ever be scared of a guy who willingly admits that he likes Britney Spears. Maybe Suge is just trying to get Britney to resurrect the defunct & bankrupt Death Row Records. Just know, Britney, that you'll probably have to let Suge bone you first. So the only question remains is: How do you want it, Britney?

US Weekly is trying to get you to buy their magazine this week by claiming that Tom Cruise has ordered wife/slave Katie Holmes to attend Scientology parenting classes. I don't feel bad for Katie, because Scientologists are completely insane and she should have known that before marrying the King of the Crazies. Aside from the Scientology part of this, parenting classes probably aren't all that bad. I'm sure they teach you valuable things such as "How to hide the fact that you slept with an Asian and subsequently conceived an Asian baby from your crazy, schizotypal husband" and "No, no...babies don't go in the fridge". Katie Holmes should definitely enroll in that kind of class.

This picture of an alleged Micheal Jordan grinding all up on some hos in Cabo San Lucas has been floating around the internet recently. I can't really tell if that's Jordan or not simply because he is black and therefore blends into any dark background, like a shadow. He's like the hero on Heroes that can disappear and reappear at any given time. There could be a black man grinding all up on me right now, and I would never know. Actually, I would know. My heart generally goes a'flutter whenever the invisible black man is near me. I can't explain it, it's just a special feeling I get in my she-bone. I'm sure you understand. Anyway...why does it matter if Jordan is getting his proverbial freak on? He is going through one of the costliest divorces in entertainment history, to the tune of $150 Million dollars. Jesus, let the man grind his pain away! Jordan, if you want to grind me from the shadows, or in the daylight, or in a church, wherever...feel free.

That's what this guy thinks, anyway. This crazy was tackled by the fuzz for threatening to kill Hilary Duff as she was heading in to tape an appearance on Canada's MuchMusic. Last October, Duff and then boyfriend Joel Madden took out a restraining order against an 18 year old, who later was arrested for stalking and threatening to kill her. Dang...why does everyone want to kill Hilary Duff? Agent Cody Banks wasn't that bad, was it? But to be honest, I want to kill Hilary Duff too. Yep, she's #3 on my list of celebrities to straight up murder, right after Lawrence Fishburne (who will be promptly taken off my Death List™ as soon as he reprises his role as Cowboy Curtis) and Kellie Martin, that ho who played Becca on Life Goes On. She was always trying to steal Corky's thunder with her boyfriend who had AIDS. Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da, muthafucka!

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Keep the Dunce cap out of schools because Kirsten likes to pray in public.



Yes, let us pray. Let us pray that the world be rid of you Kirsten and whatever sick rocker boy toy you are spreading your snaggletooth STDs to. Maybe if we all combine our praying forces together it will work. Lets give it a try... Let us bow our heads and pray....


click pic for NSFW version



It didn't work. Kirsten hasn't been praying, she's been preying - on all of society and we'll never get these precious moments of our lives back. Oh, le sigh.



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Hey! It's Michelle Rodriguez? I mean, I think it's her, I can't really tell since she's taken it to the streets in a face mask. Hot Damn, I love her crazy ass. I wish she was crazy more often. Going shopping mid-facial is actually quite tame for this bitch. She kinda looks like that fake picture of Heath Ledger as the joker that was floating around yesterday. And with that, it's time for me to take it to the streets. My second job as a whore in Royal Oak, MI starts promptly at 5:00pm. See you tomorrow if the diseases don't get me first!

Well here's something you don't see everyday. What do you suppose Courtney Love and Gwyneth Paltrow are doing here with their eyes closed? Praying that no one will see them with each other? Blissfully envisioning their impending night of passion? Taking a moment to pretend that they really are the white trash mother & daughter that they are conveying so well? I hope these two hang out all the time, and I hope Gwyneth lets Courtney Love babysit. They could play fun games like "Hide-N-Go find the quaaludes" or my personal favorite "Duck, Duck...wait your name is really Apple?" which abruptly turns from a fun game to 3 hours of berating the tots once Courtney's buzz wears off. Way to pick great friends, Gwyneth! But if I were you, I'd need a reliable dealer to keep me constantly high in order to deal with the fact that my husband is that douche from Coldplay. And you know that Courtney is always good to go on that front.

Contrary to what we previously reported, it looks like Mel B did not name her bastard child Fortuna, but chose Angel Iris MURPHY BROWN instead. Well, if Eddie isn't the father, she can always backpeddle by saying, "No, I just really loved that delightful '88-98 sitcom, in particular, the episode in which..." who am I kidding. I've never seen a single episode of Murphy Brown in my life. I'm just going to refer to this child as Murphy Brown from now on. Good luck with that paternity battle, Mel B. And sorry that your mom picked such a tragic name for you, Murphy Brown.

So, you may or may not have heard of this dumb 20 year old kid who posted a video of himself on youtube, giving out his phone number and asking people to call him to, you know, talk about, you know, stuff...or whatever. I guess people are calling him. Riveting, I know. But what's even more compelling is the fact that the Today show booked this douche to talk about how people are calling him on this morning's broadcast. Click here, and then watch the video. After about 1:30 you'll see Meredith Vierra encouraging this kid to answer his phone, to "make the magic happen" if you will. Watching this kid answer & talk on his phone is some of the most groundbreaking television I've ever seen. Yep! This kid truly is a friend for life. He's not going to let something like a pesky morning show interview stop him from talking to you, some stranger, about, you know...stuff. God, I love the Today show. And I also love the lonely youths of America.

Here's a Coca-Cola commercial running in the UK featuring music from Detroit's own Jack White of The White Stripes. I'm posting this because I think it's cute, and it brings up a couple things I'd like to talk about. First, does the fact that Jack White is now whoring himself out for Coca-Cola enrage you? It certainly does not enrage me a bit. You wanna know why? If I were Jack White, I'd take out billboards on my ass if it paid the bills. Plus he's got that little half-British/half-Detroitish baby to feed so stop hatin', all y'all poor people. Which brings me to the second thing I'd like to discuss. Jack White's ass. Jack White is not attractive.



Like...not even a little. Yet, someone who I know repeatedly voices her desire to bed him. I say that she wouldn't even think that if he was just some sick, thin mustached, pasty dude walking down the street. She argues that she would. She finds him physically attractive. Say What?? (Completely unrelated side note: I hear that MTV is bringing back one of my favorite shows Say What? Karaoke!. Thanks for the tip Shannon!)



You're telling me that if you saw this coming at you, and he wasn't all famous, but just a regular dude, you'd think to yourself "Now THAT'S an attractive gentlemen!"? I just don't get it. But I know there are a lot of people that struggle with this very issue. Some celebrities are straight up sick, but you still find them attractive for some ungodly reason. I'm not saying you want to bone them because they are famous, but the fact that they are pretty good at what they do sort of overrides their appearance. For me, the sick dude that I would bone would be:



There. I said it. But if he was just some dude I saw walking down the street, would I find him attractive? Probably not - depending on how high I was. Now it's your turn. Which sick celebrity do you find yourself strangely attracted to? It's okay, this is the internets, no one knows who you are. Leave your shocking confessions, in the comments! Dudes, feel free to play along. I bet some of you have the unexplainable desire to bone Amy Winehouse. Why don't you go ahead and tell us why!

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Who watched Heroes last night? *SPOILER ALERT* I fully apologize for any negative thing I've ever said about that show. I tend to hate things for no reason. I just pick something, like walnuts, and hate on it until i just can't hate anymore. For some reason, when Heroes first aired, I chose to hate that show. Now I see that was a mistake. What a great comeback episode! It seems like that lame mantra "Save the Cheerleader, Save the world" has begun to show its meaning (did Lindsay Lohan that cheerleader need to be saved so she could save Peter, thus saving the world?). I'm sad that the hero I most wanted to bone, MEESTA ISSAHAK, had to go - but maybe he's not really dead? That's what Hiro wants us to believe anyway, although this time traveling shit always leaves a giant cartoon question mark over my head. To this day, if I watch any of the Back to the Future movies, I end up in a great big ball of confusion. Speaking of Back to the Future, do you ever find yourself wondering what the hell Crispin Glover is up to? Well, you'll be happy to know that he's doing fine, and escorting some fine young ho's to the Young Hollywood Awards:



Dang, nothing gives me a she-bone more than Crispin Glover with a bowl cut. But, I digress. What did you think of last night's heroes? It ruled, didn't it? Let me know, in the comments!

You may have heard this one before... but whats black and white and red all over??



No, not Gwen Stefani on the red carpet...

Its Gwen Stefani getting rammed by a zebra on the red carpet.



I think she likes it.