How to raise your Asian baby

US Weekly is trying to get you to buy their magazine this week by claiming that Tom Cruise has ordered wife/slave Katie Holmes to attend Scientology parenting classes. I don't feel bad for Katie, because Scientologists are completely insane and she should have known that before marrying the King of the Crazies. Aside from the Scientology part of this, parenting classes probably aren't all that bad. I'm sure they teach you valuable things such as "How to hide the fact that you slept with an Asian and subsequently conceived an Asian baby from your crazy, schizotypal husband" and "No, no...babies don't go in the fridge". Katie Holmes should definitely enroll in that kind of class.